key fact #4
4. i think a lot and speak a little.
my head never really shuts up. and there is no rhyme or reason to the madness upstairs. it’s part tornado, and part buddhist temple. 75% of the time there is a storm brewing, ideas coming in and out. thoughts blowing from one synapse to the next. electricity firing and loud roaring voices talking over each other. it’s a rager up there. it can all get very…..intertwined. for example, i’ll go into a room to grab something, and by the time i get to that room, i’ve forgotten why i was there because i had so many other thoughts shoot through my mind while walking from point A to point B. it can be extremely frustrating. but it can also be extremely entertaining…
the other 25% of the time there is a spiritual calmness. buddha comes for a quick visit to clean up the mess after the storm. bring me some calm before the next winds pick up. it is that moment of serenity i seek daily, but is not always attainable because of the chaotic scenes spewing in and out of my brain. its insanity really.
however, i have to admit, my overactive mind is not all bad/frustrating. there are some real fun thoughts i get to play with too. some great creative that emerges. fun fantasies. genius ideas. well at least i like to think of them as genius. LOL.
now that you have a general idea about my thinking, let’s move onto my speaking, or lack there of. i don’t say much, in comparison to most in the world. we live in an ego driven society. seems to me most people want the focus on them, or want attention, or want to be heard. im quite the opposite for the most part. i don’t really search for the spotlight. i don’t really NEED to be heard. doesn’t mean i never want to be, just means i don’t NEED to be. when in a group, especially a group of people i don’t know very well, i will take the role as the listener. and i am a damn good listener. i pay attention and i hear what the people in my company are saying. and then i think about their words and opinions. i analyze. i quietly argue or agree. but much of the time i will not share what’s going on upstairs with you.
why am i like that? why don’t i want to share my thoughts and voice my opinion? it’s simple. and it links back to why i am such a thinker, and why i am an alcoholic and drank as i did. im shy. im scared. im afraid i will say something stupid. i often have trouble turning my thoughts into complete sentences. this is one very real reason why i drank. boozing it up took away all my inhibitions and fears. when drinking, i was not so afraid to open my mouth. i was free. and i did the intimidating, not you. tough girl donna was untied, while under the influence!
today i am sober. i don’t drink to hide behind my fears any longer. today i deal with them. i stare my character defects in the face and challenge them head on. i don’t want to be so shy and unspoken. i really don’t. i kind of enjoy being a thinker, but i wouldn’t mind being more of a speaker as well. i am making improvements. i am breaking out of my shell more the longer i am sober. it’s a VERY slow process, but i am okay with that. because i am okay with who donna is. yes, there is room for improvement. there is always room for improvement. but i am in no rush. i’d rather really learn why i am the way i am so that i can fully understand in order to really develop depth in my change and growth. this is no race. and i walk with the pace life presents to me.
next blog. key fact #5. i am an observer.