there are those days, many days, where i forget about the magic that is around me. i wake up lost in my own darkness and lacking the willingness to find my way out. and without the willingness, i am unable to change my thinking and my perception. thus i stay in the dark. not present for my life, at all. Those are the days i miss the magic.
When i am in this state, i don’t see you for who you are. i don’t see the smile you pass to me. the compliment you throw my way. i don’t hear your voice in its real tone. i don’t look you in the eyes. and i certainly don’t appreciate you for who you are. why you are here, and what you may have to offer humanity.
i don’t like when i am in this place. the place where life goes on and i stand still, playing in my own sandbox full of self-pity.
what is the root of these dark feelings? it’s simple really….me. me. me. i usually get in this described head space if i am feeling badly about myself. or if i am not getting what i want out of someone else. or if something is not going as i had planned. the dark place grows out of selfish behavior/thoughts. it is so simple, yet i repeat the same thoughts over and over again, expecting different results. insanity? why yes it is. it is, in fact, the definition of insanity.
the funny thing is, i very quickly diagnose the problem, and then choose not to make the necessary change in my thought process to get myself out of the ugly place i put myself in. thus leaving myself to wallow in anger or disappointment.
as an alcoholic, i love to sit in self-pity and play the victim. it is my default mode. having a little over a year of sobriety, i now know this. and i also know that i have the choice to stay in it, or get the hell out of it and be present and happy in my life. it’s a simple choice. change my thinking. change my perception. and the magic returns.
trouble is, i don’t always choose to do that.
however, it’s nice to know the option is there.