today i am .75 years. 9 months. 275 days. and 6,597 hours clean and sober. i did not wake up with a hangover today. i did not have to take a shot of vodka to start my heart this morning. i do not have to drink away my feelings, good or bad, any longer. thank you, God.
9 months ago, i was in a very dark place. my world was very small. you terrified me. the phone terrified me. my friends, family, neighbors…everyone terrified me. and if you didn’t scare me, you annoyed me.
9 months ago i would wake up, look in the mirror, and give the woman staring back at me the middle finger. every morning. she disgusted me. i hated her. she was not a sight for morning pleasure. she was sad. miserable. lonely. hung over. trapped in a vortex that was sucking her further and further from life. it was hard to breathe. that was me… looking at me in the mirror… and hating me more and more everyday.
9 months ago i didn’t feel emotional pain much. i didn’t feel sadness. i didn’t feel guilt. i didn’t feel love. i didn’t feel happiness or joy. i simply…didn’t feel. i was too drunk or hung over to let in anything worth feeling into my life.
9 months ago, i lived my life in a blackout, much of the time. what does it feel like to wake up most mornings and not remember chunks of your days and most of your nights? it is horrifying. the unexplained bruises and injuries. the wonder of how i got home. etc. those mornings caused a pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization that made me want to crawl into a tiny black hole and disintegrate.
9 months ago…i chose to get help.
today, i wake up and look in the mirror and i say “good morning” to the woman looking back at me. i smile. and i even love her a little. that woman looking back at me is no longer doomed for sadness and disgust. she is no longer miserable in her own being. or lonely. or hung over. her life has come back and she is growing with it everyday. that girl is me…looking at me in the mirror….and accepting me for who and what i am. and who and what i am is not so bad.
i have no major complaints today, at 9 months of sobriety. i am a very grateful woman. i have a great job. a great family. a lovely girlfriend. a great sponsor. and a handful of dear friends who love me unconditionally. those are all hard to come by. i am blessed.
someone said to me this morning….the best thing about being sober, is being sober.