How Do I Feel This Good Sober?

On July 11, 2013 I turned 2 years old, in sober years.  That is 730 consistent days of drug free blood running through my veins.  Wow.  Let me say that again….WOW!  For this alcoholic, that is nothing short of a miracle.  On the day of, I failed to recognize my real gratitude for this miracle, and my life.

I was not in the best of moods on the 11th of July, just 7 short days ago.  Although I should have been glowing with gratitude, I was instead sitting in self pity, resentment, and irritability.  My surroundings were awkward and unfamiliar, as I was out of town for uncontrollable reasons, away from the two places I call home…New York & Los Angeles.  However, life was good, and I couldn’t see that at the time.  Why?  Because I was wallowing in self-indulgent sorrow.  Which then led to sparks of fiery resentments to surface.  Then that moment came, where suddenly life felt unmanageable, too difficult, boring, and unworthy of my efforts to express love, compassion, and service towards others.  My emotional sobriety quickly went dark.

That is what the spinning wheel of this alcoholics mind looks like when it latches onto that familiar feeling of “poor me.”  Normally, at this stage of my sobriety, I can recognize these negative feelings and terrorizing thoughts creeping in, and am able to poison them quickly with my AA tools for survival.  Remembering that most, if not all,  of what I am thinking and feeling is not real, and quickly asking for guidance from my higher power, and the willingness to shift my perception of the life and/or circumstances in front of me.  But on this particular day, I chose to ignore those useful tools that keep me sane.  And so I spun.  and I continued to spin, for the next 6 days.  I created laundry lists of why the life I am currently living is not right.  I developed resentments against those closest to me.  I beat myself to a pulp, telling myself that my life is about to fail, and the decisions I have made in the past two years have been way off the rail.  My rather pleasant immediate world shifted to misery and it became hard for me to crack a smile.  So I simply didn’t try, because if I was feeling miserable, you were going to know it by my simple passive aggressive silence.

By the evening of day 6, I had ranted to a couple of friends about the circumstances of my “so-called” life.  I spewed about my unhappiness and circumstantial qualms.  I was also called out on my passive aggressive behavior.   Ouch.  By the end of it all, I felt better in some ways, because the thoughts were no longer festering in my head, solo.  They had been let loose.  That does bring relief to some degree.  However, I didn’t feel great about myself.  I  felt emotionally hung over.  I started to see my recent behavior for what it really was.  Certainly not the attitude and actions of a well-balanced sober woman.  Some-what immature behavior.  And very unsatisfying.

Cut to today.  7 days after my 2 year sobriety birthday.  7 days from the start of my dark spin-out.  I woke up this morning and felt much like a different person.  My perception had  shifted.   Although I still may have the same concerns I was so deeply obsessing over for the past 6 days, they somehow look different today.  More like, just part of  my life’s path & adventure.  My concerns are my journey and experiences.  This morning my faith had returned, somehow. It must have followed suit with my perception.  My “so-called life” is not exactly as I may have mapped out in my mind, but it is my life and it is my choice to view it for what it is.  It is beautiful.  It is a gift.  It is filled with gratitude and grace when my head doesn’t get in the way.

Now that I’ve escaped the grips of my alcoholic mind, I will be celebrating my 2 years of sobriety this weekend.

Hello, my name is Donna and I am an alcoholic.

Now for some random entertainment…

Pink’s song “sober” seems to be interpreted differently by many.  Is the song about addiction?  You tell me your thoughts…click on the link below

God, are you laughing at me?

we have all heard the statement “God works in mysterious ways.”  he also has a sense of humor.  sometimes i feel like i am just a little plastic moving vehicle on his game board of life.  i guess i am, kind of.  sometimes his moves i like.  other times, i resent the path he sends me on.

but that doesn’t mean i am not grateful for every move he makes on my behalf.   if i am left to control my own game of life, i’d be screwed.  so go ahead God, make your move.  i may follow kicking and screaming, but i will follow.

and then there were three.  three girlfriends.  brought together for reasons out of their control.  clearly God’s work.  no explanation given by him…im forced to follow.  a smoke-filled car.  loud music.  three girls.  laughing.  crying.  stillness.  anxiety.  peace.  uncertainty.  confusion. laughter. love. running, yet staying close.  faith.  oceanside.

WTF just happened?  

i do not need to know the mathematics of it all.  why we landed up together as we did and under the circumstances that we did.  it just is, and that is good enough for me today.  knowing that my higher power has a plan for me, helps me during the harder times in life.  the questionable times.  the faithless times.  the times where i would prefer to just say “F-it.”  God shows up for me, and when i show up for him, life syncs.  and it did, this past weekend.

i feel blessed this morning.  grateful for the life experiences i continue to have.  grateful for the feelings i am able to feel.  when i was drinking and using, i felt nothing pure.  nothing but anger and resentment.  purity and truth did not exist in me.  i was fueled by my own potential demise.  today i get to feel from the inside out.  some feelings are painful, some bring warmth. i welcome them all, for they are new experiences for me now, and they remind me that i am alive.

life is good.

and then there were three:

 

thank you my friends.  and thank you God.  

xoxo

signed. sealed. delivered.

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in the end. i’ll turn it all over, with no hesitation. no fight. no regret. at least i hope i will.

in the end of what?

the end of today. the end of tomorrow. the end of this very moment. and now this one. the end of a relationship. the end of my career. the end of my beloved fish or family dogs. the end of my flight home. or the one to new york. the end of a fight. or the end of a love. the end of this week. this month. this year. the end of life.

signed. sealed. delivered. i’ll turn it over.

this is how i want to live my life moment to moment. do the next indicated thing. stay out of the results. turn it over to a power greater then myself. brush off any wounds. and continue forward. until there is no more forward. and when there is no more forward that i recognize, i’m convinced there will be a new journey. a new beat. a new dance to learn. and a new love to give.

God, grant me the serenity.
to accept the things I cannot change.
the courage to change the things I can.
and the wisdom to know the difference.

most things i am confronted with, or that i confront, I cannot change. but I try to anyway. and when i do bump into a rare changeable circumstance, ifind my courage to be lost in hiding.

donna, accept the things….most things in life….you cannot change. just do the next indicated thing, and turn the rest over.

donna, be courageous and make a change if it’s changeable. if you feel the need. if its in your heart. make the move and stay out of the results.

live in the moment. in the now. it’s so powerful…rewarding….and much less painful. yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never exist.

you are of no use to the past or the future. just the now.

live it.

and then…let it end. the moment.

signed. sealed. delivered.

be happy. be free. and have faith.

Life is not your responsibility.

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