i would have smoked 5,816 cigarettes

if i did not quit smoking 4 months and 24 days ago.  that is a lot of cigarettes i would have smoked.  this brings us to key fact #8 about donna.

8.  i am a recovering smoke-aholic.  

i started smoking at age 13 (maybe 14).  i remember that first cigarette i stole from a fellow family member of mine.  the buzz was amazing.  i was floating.  and i was in love.  and from that day forward, i was a smoker.  by the time i was 15 years old i was smoking nearly a pack a day.  later turning into two packs a day.  i was chasing that first buzz, and i never found it again.  i chased it for 22 years.

hello, my name is donna and i am an addict.

i am an addict of grand proportions.  i was born this way.  i am an all or nothing kinda gal.  there is no “in-between” for me.  if i am going to drink, i am going to black out.  if i am going to do drugs, i am going to ingest 3 times the amount any human should.  if i am going to eat (in hiding) i am going to eat 3 times the amount any one person should in one sitting.  if i am going to drink coffee i will drink 4 shots of espresso at a time, sometimes 6.  if i am going to fall in love, i will do so with all of me, nothing less.  but the latter isn’t such a bad quality.  🙂

with that said, it doesn’t surprise me that as a smoker, i inhaled two (or more) packs a day for more than half of my life.  i smoked when i had strep throat.  i smoked when i had bronchitis.  i woke up every two hours during sleep time to smoke.  in my old apartment, where i allowed myself to smoke indoors, i “slept smoked.”  i was actually asleep while smoking in my bed.  im lucky i didn’t burn the place down with me in it.  i did burn a few holes in my sheets.  insanity.

wow.  my life sure has changed.

today i am a recovering smoke-aholic.  i say “recovering” because i treat my smoking addiction like i treat my alcoholism.  i am powerless over cigarettes.  just as i am powerless over drugs and alcohol.  i will for ever be in recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction.  and i will forever be in recovery for my smoking addiction.  i can become a full-fledged smoker again at any moment, if i don’t work to stay smoke free.  just as i can become a full-fledged active alcoholic at any moment if i pick up that first drink.  there is no difference between the two addictions.

once an addict, always an addict.  it’s that simple.

im so grateful for the growth in my sobriety….from drugs.  alcohol.  and cigarettes.

thanks for stopping by.

till next time….